Why do I feel so guilty? Why do I need love from people, when God's already given His perfect love to me? Why do I want the wrong things?
Why do I want things that don't make any sense? Why do I think things that hurt me? Why do I obsess and cling and cry and hope and wait?
Why do I think some earthly thing will make me happy? Why do I need to be happy on my own terms? Why can't I just let this go, like everything else? Why do I need this?
Why do I think I'm alone when I'm not? Why do I think people care, when they don't? Why do I want to be known?
A very questioning evening. No answers, just disappointment, frustration, and guilt. Beating hearts and senselessness.
Tuesday, February 26
Sunday, February 24
Saturday, February 16
And now for something completely different!
I thought I'd insert a little pointlessness into this void. I was thinking about my old favorite TV shows this morning and how many of them had "gone to the dogs," as the Draconian expression goes. So, as per usual, I made a list:
24
Jack Bauer, resident badass patriot, stops terrorist attacks with the force of his rage and expletives.
Number of seasons: 8
Favorite seasons, ranked: 1, 2, 5, 3, 4
Best thing about the show: Jack Bauer's pistol whipping
Worst thing about the show: In season 7, the whole point was that CTU was no longer a viable institution and was too fraught with mistakes/moles to function effectively. In season 8, it's back with no real explanation.
Where it all went wrong: The phrase "too much of a good thing" comes to mind. In season 5, the plot was so high-stakes, so shocking, that there really was nowhere to go from there and the show inevitably sunk into predictability and utter nonsense.
Bones
Disgruntled "man's man, ladies' man" FBI agent, Booth, and socially backward, wildly intelligent anthropologist, Brennan, team up to solve murders.
Number of seasons: 8 and still running
Favorite seasons, ranked: 1, 3, 2
Best thing about the show: David Boreanaz as Booth is fantastic. Snarky, sexy, & searching for salvation.
Worst thing about the show: The age-old Fair Lady act. All of Brennan's friends and colleagues "teach" her how to be an empathetic person. It is a TV trope reaching criminal proportions, especially in this case as it's used to replace a healthy foundation for a romantic relationship between Booth and Brennan.
Where it all went wrong: The writers took "hard to get" to extreme lengths. Booth and Brennan dance around each other until it becomes positively absurd and it doesn't stop with them. Minor characters Angela and Hodgins are about to get married and instead, break up in the most ridiculous soap-operaesque plotline since I don't know what.
House
A witty, crude doctor and his troupe of underlings use their collective knowledge to cure patients with strange medical conditions.
Number of seasons: 8
Favorite seasons, ranked: 1, 2, 3
Best thing about the show: Hugh Laurie's off-color humor and "dark horse" methods as House are unforgettable. Hilarious as well as groundbreaking for television.
Worst thing about the show: Cuddy and House's bizarre relationship. I really cannot see those two as a couple.
Where it all went wrong: The break-up of the Dream Team. As much as Chase, Cameron, and Foreman annoyed me, they had a chemistry that worked. Season 4 was as ridiculous as it was unentertaining.
The Office
The employees of a little-known paper company struggle to actually work despite their dim, wacky boss and his innumerable distractions.
Number of seasons: 9
Favorite seasons, ranked: 2, 3, 5, 6, 4, 1
Best thing about the show: Dwight Schrute. Nothing beats him... I could watch Jim prank him all day.
Worst thing about the show: The deterioration of the characters. In the beginning, you knew where you stood with them. But after awhile, crazy became the norm for The Office and they kept trying to outdo themselves at the expense of remaining "in-character." I still have a hard time believing Pam would commit fraud to get a higher paycheck and Andy would leave work for 3 months without telling anybody, among countless other things.
Where it all went wrong: When Steve Carell left. He was the glue that held that show together. For me (and I'm sure for many others), Steve Carell was The Office. Without him as Michael, it lost its spark and went from painfully funny to awkward and sad.
Burn Notice
A burned spy gets back on his feet and seeks revenge on the agents who fired him with the help of his gun-toting ex-girlfriend and an old war buddy turned boy toy.
Number of seasons: 7 and still running
Favorite seasons, ranked: 1, 2, 4, 3
Best thing about the show: I do have a bit of a "vigilante" problem, as my previous obsession with 24 and current obsession with Django Unchained can attest. I like the idea of a man using his skills to help people in need, skirting the line of legality.
Worst thing about the show: Jesse Porter. He is an enormous man-baby who thinks he is both Mr. Smooth and Mr. I-Don't-Need-A-Partner. He constantly foils the team's plots with his bumbling ways and I don't care that Michael burned him, because he is stupid. One of the biggest disappointments of Season 5 was that he was still there.
Where it all went wrong: I guess it was wrecked from the premise, but with the end of Season 4, Michael is ushered back into the fold of super-secret American espionage like he always wanted. The show should have ended there, but instead it went on, which was unfortunate for the sake of both Michael's haircut (http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p162/weasleybabe24/badhair_zpse33b772a.png - Ouch!) and the viewers. It quickly became pointlessly formulaic, much to my chagrin.
How I Met Your Mother
A single, lonely architect searches New York for "the One" when he isn't hanging out with his friends.
Number of seasons: 9
Favorite seasons, ranked: 2, 3, 1, 4, 5
Best thing about the show: Marshall and Lily. Through all the crazy crap that happened on this show, they were the reason I kept watching and it was with real sadness that I stopped.
Worst thing about the show: The fact that Ted is not actually a "nice guy" as he professes. As a viewer of HIMYM, you are constantly treated to a lot of whinging about Ted not finding the right girl, despite the fact that he is kind of a jerk. Across the episodes, Ted tries to break up a woman and her fiance because a computer says they're a better match, cheats on his girlfriend with Robin, pretends to be from the South visiting New York to have sex with two locals, has a one-night stand with a horrible woman knowing he'll never have to see her again, cheats with two different women, breaks up with the same girl on her birthday twice, and the list goes on and on. Barney is worse comparatively, but at least Barney knows he's a jerk and admits it.
Where it all went wrong: When Barney and Robin cheated on their significant others (Norah and Kevin) for no good reason. There was always something weird about watching a show where three of the main characters were in a complicated love triangle. But despite that, I watched on, assuming the "backsliding," as they refer to it, would be a minimum. Obviously, I was wrong. People that wishy-washy about their feelings shouldn't be in relationships at all.
24
Jack Bauer, resident badass patriot, stops terrorist attacks with the force of his rage and expletives.
Number of seasons: 8
Favorite seasons, ranked: 1, 2, 5, 3, 4
Best thing about the show: Jack Bauer's pistol whipping
Worst thing about the show: In season 7, the whole point was that CTU was no longer a viable institution and was too fraught with mistakes/moles to function effectively. In season 8, it's back with no real explanation.
Where it all went wrong: The phrase "too much of a good thing" comes to mind. In season 5, the plot was so high-stakes, so shocking, that there really was nowhere to go from there and the show inevitably sunk into predictability and utter nonsense.
Bones
Disgruntled "man's man, ladies' man" FBI agent, Booth, and socially backward, wildly intelligent anthropologist, Brennan, team up to solve murders.
Number of seasons: 8 and still running
Favorite seasons, ranked: 1, 3, 2
Best thing about the show: David Boreanaz as Booth is fantastic. Snarky, sexy, & searching for salvation.
Worst thing about the show: The age-old Fair Lady act. All of Brennan's friends and colleagues "teach" her how to be an empathetic person. It is a TV trope reaching criminal proportions, especially in this case as it's used to replace a healthy foundation for a romantic relationship between Booth and Brennan.
Where it all went wrong: The writers took "hard to get" to extreme lengths. Booth and Brennan dance around each other until it becomes positively absurd and it doesn't stop with them. Minor characters Angela and Hodgins are about to get married and instead, break up in the most ridiculous soap-operaesque plotline since I don't know what.
House
A witty, crude doctor and his troupe of underlings use their collective knowledge to cure patients with strange medical conditions.
Number of seasons: 8
Favorite seasons, ranked: 1, 2, 3
Best thing about the show: Hugh Laurie's off-color humor and "dark horse" methods as House are unforgettable. Hilarious as well as groundbreaking for television.
Worst thing about the show: Cuddy and House's bizarre relationship. I really cannot see those two as a couple.
Where it all went wrong: The break-up of the Dream Team. As much as Chase, Cameron, and Foreman annoyed me, they had a chemistry that worked. Season 4 was as ridiculous as it was unentertaining.
The Office
The employees of a little-known paper company struggle to actually work despite their dim, wacky boss and his innumerable distractions.
Number of seasons: 9
Favorite seasons, ranked: 2, 3, 5, 6, 4, 1
Best thing about the show: Dwight Schrute. Nothing beats him... I could watch Jim prank him all day.
Worst thing about the show: The deterioration of the characters. In the beginning, you knew where you stood with them. But after awhile, crazy became the norm for The Office and they kept trying to outdo themselves at the expense of remaining "in-character." I still have a hard time believing Pam would commit fraud to get a higher paycheck and Andy would leave work for 3 months without telling anybody, among countless other things.
Where it all went wrong: When Steve Carell left. He was the glue that held that show together. For me (and I'm sure for many others), Steve Carell was The Office. Without him as Michael, it lost its spark and went from painfully funny to awkward and sad.
Burn Notice
A burned spy gets back on his feet and seeks revenge on the agents who fired him with the help of his gun-toting ex-girlfriend and an old war buddy turned boy toy.
Number of seasons: 7 and still running
Favorite seasons, ranked: 1, 2, 4, 3
Best thing about the show: I do have a bit of a "vigilante" problem, as my previous obsession with 24 and current obsession with Django Unchained can attest. I like the idea of a man using his skills to help people in need, skirting the line of legality.
Worst thing about the show: Jesse Porter. He is an enormous man-baby who thinks he is both Mr. Smooth and Mr. I-Don't-Need-A-Partner. He constantly foils the team's plots with his bumbling ways and I don't care that Michael burned him, because he is stupid. One of the biggest disappointments of Season 5 was that he was still there.
Where it all went wrong: I guess it was wrecked from the premise, but with the end of Season 4, Michael is ushered back into the fold of super-secret American espionage like he always wanted. The show should have ended there, but instead it went on, which was unfortunate for the sake of both Michael's haircut (http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p162/weasleybabe24/badhair_zpse33b772a.png - Ouch!) and the viewers. It quickly became pointlessly formulaic, much to my chagrin.
How I Met Your Mother
A single, lonely architect searches New York for "the One" when he isn't hanging out with his friends.
Number of seasons: 9
Favorite seasons, ranked: 2, 3, 1, 4, 5
Best thing about the show: Marshall and Lily. Through all the crazy crap that happened on this show, they were the reason I kept watching and it was with real sadness that I stopped.
Worst thing about the show: The fact that Ted is not actually a "nice guy" as he professes. As a viewer of HIMYM, you are constantly treated to a lot of whinging about Ted not finding the right girl, despite the fact that he is kind of a jerk. Across the episodes, Ted tries to break up a woman and her fiance because a computer says they're a better match, cheats on his girlfriend with Robin, pretends to be from the South visiting New York to have sex with two locals, has a one-night stand with a horrible woman knowing he'll never have to see her again, cheats with two different women, breaks up with the same girl on her birthday twice, and the list goes on and on. Barney is worse comparatively, but at least Barney knows he's a jerk and admits it.
Where it all went wrong: When Barney and Robin cheated on their significant others (Norah and Kevin) for no good reason. There was always something weird about watching a show where three of the main characters were in a complicated love triangle. But despite that, I watched on, assuming the "backsliding," as they refer to it, would be a minimum. Obviously, I was wrong. People that wishy-washy about their feelings shouldn't be in relationships at all.
Thursday, February 7
Unastonishing, but I have certainly changed
I've been reading over past blog posts as I sit up, tired and unable to sleep from a particularly delightful allergy attack. So as the ice pack numbs my neck, I am numbing myself reading my own heart and what it has revealed over the past few years on this page.
In my first post, I said my biggest fear was being the Christian that people love to hate, being perceived as false.
Ouch.
In an effort to be completely honest and far less likely to ignore how sad it is that that would be my biggest fear, let's readdress this. That is not me anymore.
The idea that I would care more about being understood for who I am than being a person who loves as God did, outrageously and without condition, is a little nauseating. I suppose I've gotten better at waiting. This may be the only benefit of my new diseases: that they forced me to slow down. And even though I hate that and the fear of never accomplishing anything I want sets in soon after acknowledging that, it's becoming easier and easier to shut up.
Although, in many ways, I am still that girl. I still want more than I deserve and I still want to love more than I am loved. And I still haven't learned how to do it yet.
With daring, I say, "God, keep teaching me."
In my first post, I said my biggest fear was being the Christian that people love to hate, being perceived as false.
Ouch.
In an effort to be completely honest and far less likely to ignore how sad it is that that would be my biggest fear, let's readdress this. That is not me anymore.
The idea that I would care more about being understood for who I am than being a person who loves as God did, outrageously and without condition, is a little nauseating. I suppose I've gotten better at waiting. This may be the only benefit of my new diseases: that they forced me to slow down. And even though I hate that and the fear of never accomplishing anything I want sets in soon after acknowledging that, it's becoming easier and easier to shut up.
Although, in many ways, I am still that girl. I still want more than I deserve and I still want to love more than I am loved. And I still haven't learned how to do it yet.
With daring, I say, "God, keep teaching me."
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