There are days when I feel too young to be of any use. I am surrounded by clever, devoted people decades older than me. I'm the baby.
Today, I am not new. I am ancient. Frail and broken and ravenous and destructive and completely ready to become dust. Go ahead and take me back. Make something better.
Make a person that can endure the overstimulating, fallacious melodrama of the hour. A person that can give their last measure of devotion in the dead of night to be told that they are cheap, callous, and exploitative. It is an unavoidable occurrence of reaching out to the people that need to be touched. You are always hurt when you try love outrageously in a world as torn and hopeless as this one. Even though I can't accept this today, I know that one day I will be able to receive condemnation for being guilty of living while Christen with a smile and a blessing.
But in this moment, I can't calm the rage that swells up in me, the indignation! I want my way, with truth and justice and mercy rushing out to aid me. I want the deceitful to be cut down. I want the meek and humble to be raised up, knowing that I am the former. I want to judge and I want to be judged, sins be damned. I want to hate.
But You didn't, not to your last breath. You were grace, You were love. So I close my mouth. I shut up and too slowly, the anger slips away, back in the darkest corner of my mind to strike again when someone else's small calamity shakes the world.
Today, I am asking for help. I need You to help me because I'm finished with everything. I'm tired of seeing the best be forced to settle with circumstances so unworthy of them, I start to feel physically ill while the most leech-like and despicable of pitiable humans suck away all that is good.
I joked this weekend that the water wasn't "over my head," but just below my shoulders. It's up to my neck. Please don't let me drown.
