Me? Published?

A friend recently asked me how NaNoWriMo went, and when I told him that I had won, that my story was finished, he beamed at me. "So, when are you getting it published?" he asked, his face quite serious, which helped me realize, seconds later, that he was not in fact joking as I had imagined.

I consider him an extremely knowledgeable man. He knows people who have been published and he certainly understands the entire process more than I do (as a child, I believed, and as an adult, I wished, that publication was some sort of magical thing that just happened to your book, suddenly and inexplicably).

And I could not help but feel completely embarrassed.

As I tried to explain how I was now delving into the editing process, throwing in a bit about the Amazon writing contest I hope to enter in January of 2011, I blushed and squirmed at the startling thought that came with his words.

I never expected anyone to actually read my book and enjoy it. I wrote it for myself, dreaming of the day, in the distant, far off, you-have-to-shout-to-be-heard future when it might maybe hopefully be published, so that others can take the same journey that I've taken with the curious Pennamin, delving into my land of Ilikarr themselves. No one I know has read more than a small, insignificant portion of the story, and now that I'm on the precipice of this, throwing my book to the world and watching it be adored loving fans or devoured by angry masses, I am reluctant to discover that I am frightened. Very frightened.

But what struck me, what reverberated through my brain, resounding even now, was his utmost confidence in me and the pride in his voice, as if he knew what I did not. That there was no possible way that I could fail in achieving my goal.

It made me want to work harder.

So now that classes are drawing to a close, you may see me, sitting on a park bench somewhere, hiding behind a massive green binder, and scribbling like the maniacal authoress I aspire to be.

Thanks, Pete. That was so the kick in the pants I needed.

About That Paper...

Yeah, I nailed it. Got an A on the paper, and an A in the class. Just goes to show you that with a little energy and late nights (aka early mornings), you too can write a paper that was meant to take you 2 months to create in just 5 days! :D

As I knew it would (of course), though the energy has not left me from NaNoWriMo, the creeping doubts have returned. The onslaught of people I know who were cheering me on during November want to read my novel. As in, they actually say they're excited and when will I be getting that proof copy? (like, seriously? What's up with that?)

My mind is having no part of that, saying things like:

"No one wants to read this."
"Everything worth writing has already been written."
"You're kidding yourself."
"This story SUCKS."

At which point, I take a deep breath, eat a piece of chocolate, and keep editing. I thought it would be easier when the story was finished, and I'm in no way complaining that it's done. It's just that a new set of problems have surfaced, completely alien to the first.

BOO.

Oh the NaNoness of me!

So winning NaNoWriMo has given me this incredible energy. Not physically, unfortunately (my back hurts like the Dickens), but more in my mind, as if I could jump off a 30-story building and land on my feet if I wanted to (I wouldn't). Or enter my novel in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Contest and win (haha). Or write a 10-page research paper I was supposed to write over the course of 2 months in the next week.

Aah, NaNoWriMo, you've opened the doors to so much lucrative fantasy... :)

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 28 & 29

Day 28
I wrote the daily word count goal and I tried to write extra, but I spent most of the day with family and at Haley's birthday party, so that didn't really work out at all, which sucked.

Day 29
I WON NANOWRIMO! I herald my victory far and wide! I wrote tonight a shocking and exemplary 3300 words (after seeing Tangled, which turned out to be great inspiration) to soar across the finish line around 3am. I am glowing with excitement! :)

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 24, 25, 26, & 27

Day 24
I wrote in between helping Mom and everybody else cook the turkeys for the Thanksgiving dinner. Wrote no extra, just daily word count.

Day 25
Wrote (heh heh, in between Thanksgiving meals) daily word count.

Day 26
Wrote daily word count, laaaaaate into the night.

Day 27
Took me an hour, but I wrote, wrote, wrote, from 1am to 2am. :)

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 23

Day 23
I didn't write the daily word goal for the day, but just wrote to the suggest daily word count, using my extra words of yesterday as a cushion for today. It was a busy day, friends. :)
Word count: 38,337 words

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 22

Day 22
I made myself write extra for getting up late. So I ended up writing 2,339 words today!! WHOOM! I'm feeling good about getting so close to the end. It's almost over, friends...
Word count: 37,439 words

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 20 & 21

Day 20
Finished writing at one thirty in the morning. Don't remember much else, 'cause it was a short day. :)

Day 21
Took a nap, so got behind on homework (which took till 10 pm to get finished). Wrapped up the writing at 2:30am after watching the AMAs and an episode of 24 with Lauren. Also, I suck at writing action scenes.
Word count: 35,006 words

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 17, 18, & 19

Day 17
Had a test, so wrote late at night again, around 1am. But better news, I focused so hard that I was able to write all of my words in 1 hour! It was incredible! (And once again accomplished with the music of JYT)

Day 18
Wrote all my words, despite going to see the midnight showing of Deathly Hallows. I wrote almost all my words before departing the house at 6pm, with only 300 words left, which I wrote as we sat waiting to get into the theater. :)

Day 19
Wrote little bits at a time, after sleeping in waaaaaaay too much (got up at 3:00pm) because of how tired I was from the night before. Got finished at 2:10am and wrote extra words! At this rate, I'll be back on track by the time Nov. 30th rolls around. 199 words behind.
Word count: 31438 words

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 16

Day 16
Once again, I wrote like a normal human, finishing up at 8:45 pm with extra words (hurray!). Hopefully, the midnight release of HP won't interfere with my writing on Thursday. I'm going to have to work extra hard not to fall behind more. 630 words behind.
Word count: 26,036 words

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 14 & 15

Day 14
The writing was slow, even though I got a little cushion word count done at 12 pm. Stayed up till 2:30 am. Tomorrow will be different, hopefully.

Day 15
Wrote early today (if early can be considered before midnight xD) and finished at 10:30 pm. Finally, I get to go to bed like a normal person. :) Wrote extra too! I treated myself to some pumpkin mousse with chocolate cake and ice cream as a reward for being such a good girl and for reaching the halfway mark. 926 words behind.
Word count: 24,074 words

Blood Pledge Inspiration

I've been mentally living in the beautiful fantasy land of Ilikarr for 14 days now, and it got me thinking about the inspiration for each of my story ideas. So I decided to puzzle it out before I forgot the thought entirely (with me, it only takes about 10 seconds).

Blood Pledge
I'd say the underlying theme of Blood Pledge is to really explore the issue of control. Penna's struggle begins when she is taken out of control by a being that is truly evil to the core. But when Penna had control in the beginning, she was clearly not making the most of it, so the argument then becomes, is she worthy of having that control restored?
The story was largely inspired by Ella Enchanted, Gail Carson Levine's Cinderella masterpiece and my first delving into the fantasy genre. Ella's entire struggle is for control and what she can do within the boundaries that have been set, hoping one day to break through her restrictions. For Penna, it is the opposite. She has free rein in the beginning and her freedom is slowly taken away from her until she is completely at the mercy of her counterpart, Brialyn. GCL's work really got me to take that extra step into the literary world, to not only write something, but to think about what I was writing, to consider the characters as people instead of playthings--though they are fun to play with!

Thunder's Cry
Shannon Hale's fantasy books, mainly The Goose Girl and Book of A Thousand Days, really gave birth to this idea, suddenly and powerfully. I was writing a poem, avoiding my homework, and it was about the stars and how they look to weary travelers on the way home after a long, hard day. Silly, childish stuff. And then, my mind just jumped to the conclusion that there was a girl in the sky. A girl who could call down the rain. A girl who was trapped and most importantly, a girl with a story.
Tera is the main character, and a girl after my own heart. Her vivacious wit and fortitudinous nature is truly incredible to write and even just to ponder. This book deals with the issue of power. Gio, the villainous mage of the story, is drunk with the power he possesses, using it to take what he wants without regard for others, and in the end, it is what destroys him. Tera, who he kidnaps to be his bride, is the opposite. She recognizes the control she has over others and uses it to help, rather than hurt, even when it costs her more than she wishes to give.

My silly stories, which are just for the benefit of my Fictionpress readers (all 3 of you!), 43 Kisses and The Fast Lane are simpler. The Fast Lane arose out of the desire to complete a goal (a desire that failed to provoke me into writing at all--a year and a half and still only three chapters!) for once in my life, but 43 Kisses was inspired by both my love of 43Things.com and  Eulogies and Post-It Notes Can Change The World! by Imaginary Parachute, who is an authoress of epic proportions. It's still on the back-burner though (and turned on low).

Okay, that was fun.... Now off to do real stuff, like my NaNoWriMo writing and my take-home exam that's due tonight at midnight. Aah, school, way to suck the fun out of my life...

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 13

Day 13
Found out that the Pride & Prejudice soundtrack helps me focus in a way that other classical music does not (so sorry, Beethoven, Mozart, and Bach. You been beat by a Frenchman.) Wrote all my words in just over two hours. 1392 words behind.
Word count: 20,274 words

NaNoWriMo, Day 12

Day 12
Met my word count goal at 4am and got about 300 words caught up. Super tired, but pleased with today's work. 1421 words behind.
Word count: 18,579 words

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 9, 10, & 11

Day 9
Wrote only my daily word goal, no extra. Took a long time to finish it, so got to bed around 2:30 am. Work tomorrow! :(

Day 10
Couldn't write, too exhausted. Only wrote half of my daily word count and hit the sack at 1 am.

Day 11
Wrote my daily word goal and a little extra after sleeping in WAY too late today, so the morning's writing potential was squandered. 1778 words behind...

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 6, 7, & 8

Day 6
Did not catch up today with less than 200 words of writing. Still feel crappy. Luckily my TOM is almost past and it won't come back until December, at which point I'll be long finished!

Day 7
Wrote a whopping 2,692 words, but am still not caught up entirely. Only a bit behind and proud of myself for working so hard and keeping up with school.

Day 8
Wrote 1,800 words, so only 1000 extra words to go until the word count is back on track. Need to start writing earlier in the day because daily word goal is starting to be met later and later in the wee small hours of the morning. Not good!

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 5

Day 5
Going to bed with only 982 words down. I was very ill today, so I let myself break Commandment #1 and #6 of the Wrules of Wrimo. I'm too tired to worry about this right now. I need to sleep so I can catch up again tomorrow. Good night

NaNoWriMo Log, Day 1, 2, 3, & 4

Day 1
Slept in too late, so the day felt rushed, but made it to my word goal by 9 pm, so had extra time to fool around. Wrote a 250 word cushion for the next day

Day 2
Had a crazy work day, so ended up writing until 11:30 pm. Rewarded myself with a mini Kit-Kat, a mini Hershey's, and 5 rounds of Uno on Facebook

Day 3
Had another wild day, shopping for work, so wrote well into the night and finished at 12:30 am. Writing is getting tougher.

Day 4
Approaching mental breakdown. Procrastinating, crying, but will get through to meet word goal for the night, no question.

Relationship Games

A lot of things have led me to ask this question--the culture I've grown up in, the peers I'm surrounded by, prevailing images in the media, and recently, the work I've been doing composing 43 Kisses, my latest short story--and it's really been on my mind for an incredibly long time.

Where along the way did we as a society devalue the meaning of a kiss?

I could never do that, ever, unless I was sure that the kiss meant as much to the person I was giving it to.

Writing Creature

Today, as I've been reading over my drafts of my stories (and contemplating just how long it took me to reach 40,000 words--SQUEEE--of Blood Pledge), I realized that each one feels different to me and that this probably affects how I write it and when I feel like writing it. I really began to notice this when I had two novel projects going at the same time, which was back in November at the start of NaNoWriMo. Thunder's Cry wears differently than Blood Pledge does, and the same goes for The Fast Lane, Always On My Mind, 43 Kisses, and even what I imagine Proxy will feel like when I get to start writing it. They are different beasts, each mystical and interesting, but only related through my telling of them. It's especially noticeable when I'm writing Thunder's Cry because of the set-up of the story. In Blood Pledge, a very specific set of things have to happen in order for the plot to progress. For Thunder's Cry, I know what's going to happen, but more than half of the story is simply up in the air--it's like daredevil writing! They also feel like different months (Thunder's Cry feels like September; Blood Pledge feels like June; The Fast Lane feels like May; Always On My Mind feels like April; 43 Kisses feels like July). It's an observation both strange and oddly helpful. *off to add more to those 40,000 words*

Ready to Quit

I need a place to go a little bit insane. Prepare for cyber-shouting and obscene use of the CAPS LOCK OF RAGE.

In an awesome culmination of events, I have graduated from my community college and I'm transferring to a 4-year college to get a B.S. in Early Childhood Ed.

Well... at least that's what I thought at the beginning of December.

I am SO incredibly tired of talking to people who really have no clue what they're talking about. And maybe that's not their fault; you can't blame an honestly ignorant person for a lack of knowledge. But really, is a transfer student so unheard of at this school known NATIONWIDE that they literally have NO INFORMATION to give someone calling their supposed 'help desk,' the name of which I disagree with wholeheartedly (who do they help? Certainly not me. I had the briefest of brushoffs with a disgruntled man whose voice was almost too low to hear clearly and who made it very plain that my questions were bothering him). The website is just as committed to the transferrence of useful information. *ohthesarcasm* There are so many inconsistencies, that now I type in the URL and give in to the inevitable urge that will result: either throw something or cry in utter frustration.

I have called, my mother has called, we have left messages, we have emailed, we have gone to the school. It is the same everywhere. Why would you hold a potential student, a person who is going to pay you a RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF MONEY for a place at your school, at arms length and not give them the things they NEED TO REGISTER?

I'm done now. Done, but definitely still pissed. There is no reason for this to be as difficult as it is. NO REASON AT ALL.



......

.........

I think instead I'll just become the hermit of the woods behind my house. Maybe I could pay my sisters to bring me food.