I have come to the conclusion that my life is destined to be Ecclesiastes to the fullest. I have ideas that I think are good or at the very least, worth the time it took to come up with them. Others quickly inform me of my foolishness. I don't know how much disappointment I can take from the place I am supposed to go to feel whole and renewed, completely at peace and overflowing with love. It really makes me question if I'm not just better off getting some lackluster office job, copying papers, fetching coffee, pacifying people. That's pretty much what I do now. Out of here, maybe I could put the feeling of magic back. Maybe I could hear God really speak again. Today is a day where I just want to run away from everything, drive until I don't know where I am, until I'm in the middle of a natural nowhere, surrounded by nothing and everything. Alone with God. We tout community endlessly, but maybe I wasn't made for it. Maybe it's just me and God and that's the way it should be.
I know I could do more. I know I have the potential for something better than what I'm able to give by the boundaries put up around me. No one wants to give me a chance. Or at least, no one has considered it. My abilities and desires take a backseat to a seemingly less invested individual because they have seniority and authority over me. I have to wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
Still waiting.
It's been three months since I've done something meaningful at work. I'm wasting God's time and I'm failing him, I know it. At this point in my life, I can't say there is a single thing I've done that justifies my existence, that did anything to bring the glory to God where it belongs. I might as well go back to where I came from, from nothing to nothing, dust to dust.
I guess this is an exercise in control. Eventually, I suppose, I'll just stop caring about children and serving and what I want altogether. I'll become another yesman in a place full to the brim with them. Another lazy, spiritual waste of space. Hopefully, I can reconcile myself to that.
You want me to maintain? Don't worry. I certainly know how to coast by now.
