A penny thought

First of all, ha ha ha on this title considering the actual value of a penny, which is unfortunately a negative amount of money. So there.

Here is the part where I get weird.

I can't... What a great way to start this. Lord, help me.

I can't figure out what to do with all the emotions I have. They are fierce, yet tepid at times, with no basis in reality and no real potential in having anything to do with my future. I am too quiet, but too loud, saying all the things that don't matter because I'd rather have people like a superficial me, laced with bitterness, than hate the optimistic, bright-eyed little fool I really am.

How can these few moments, meaningless to anyone else, be so important to me? When I think of the last time I was really, truly happy and completely comfortable with who I was, no wondering about anything beyond the present, many of those memories are wrapped up in those emotions. And when I think about it so logically, the conclusion seems crystal clear. But there's more to it than that, as there always is. There's more to me than that.

And what I always conclude is that I just have to shut up, calm down, and wait, my oldest and most despised game. I am living in a way I never thought I would be. I am feeling beyond what I thought I could. I feel isolated and alone, protected by my silence and in the same moment, so vulnerable. I am scared. This isn't what I wanted, but my prayer will never be for what I want. I always want the wrong things, I have learned. I run from the things that make me uncomfortable and scared. Those things are very often the things that end up saving my life.

Case in point: the community I am a part of, I once hated and wanted to abandon. Where would I be without them now?

So, yeah. I'm sitting in my room, early in the morning, crying at all my favorite Relient k songs, praying for patience and the ability to shut up. I have to let God speak and I can't hear him over the sound of my own fear. Maybe if I just be quiet, something beautiful will happen. After all, He has never failed me yet.